Grief

This past summer was the first time I realized how I grieve. The young nephew of my sister-in-law drowned and we attended the funeral. Neither Thomas or I knew Jason well but we wanted to support the family by being there. The funeral was held on the high school baseball field because he was an avid baseball player. It was a great tribute to him and his short life. On the way home I just couldn't even talk and just immediately got home and crawled under the covers and went to sleep. The next couple days I just felt in a funk and couldn't figure out why. Until finally I made a connection and realized that that was how I grieved. In my final days in Ecuador I was in the same funk. I didn't feel like talking and was just in my own thoughts for days and even felt grumpy when those thoughts were interrupted. All the other girls when they would leave the orphanges on their last shift would just cry and cry and cry. I remember that van ride home and I was just blank. Before heading back to the states we went on a week long trip to the Amazon. The whole plane ride and boat ride there which was probably around 6 hours (?) I just remember staring out the window and having the same thoughts repeat over and over in my mind. Then I thought I was just a grumpy girl now I realize that I was grieving. Coming back from the mission... same thing. I grieved a chapter of my life closing. Today I am grieving the death of my Grandma Clement who passed away yesterday. Today is when it hit me. Although Thomas and I were just there last week I couldn't go and see here in the hospital. I didn't want my last memory of her to be of her hooked up to tubes. I question if this was selfish of me but I am glad for my last memories of her. Just last month I was able to see my Grandma playing christmas songs on the piano for us. I loved hearing her play on the piano, she would put her own spin on the songs and it was beautiful. I'm glad I took a picture.

Earlier that week my mom and I had gone grocery shopping for her and my grandpa and when we returned with the groceries we sat and chatted for a bit. She was telling me about these pies they like that a neighbor brings over and that they get the pumpkin and pecan but she told me "I like the pecan one better, naturally because it has more fat :)" That just made me laugh, a woman after my own heart. I have been very lucky to have always had a pretty close relationship with my grandma. Every other summer another of my sisters and I got to go to Arizona and spend a couple weeks.

This is Bea and I outside on the swing at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Safford. We loved that swing. I loved that she had a candy drawer and it was never off limits. I loved that she had tons of old dress up clothes and enjoyed our fashion shows.

The black sparkly dress my grandma made for herself to wear. The pinkish/purplish dress with the black lace around the collar was a prom or homecoming dress of my mom's. The organ in the background was played beautifully by my grandma.

These scrapbook pages are ones that she taught me how to do :)

I loved that she took us to the local pool. I loved that she took us shopping for new clothes. I loved watching movies with her. I loved that she kept journals. From the day that my dad was brought home from the hospital til he graduated high school she kept a journal as if from his point of view. I loved reading that and getting to know what my dad was like as a kid. On my mission I sent her all my pictures and she made about five full scrapbooks for me documenting my mission. Her and grandpa also helped each month to pay for my mission and she insisted that those 18 months they recieved many blessings for contributing. Even after being back for three years she still called me "our missionary". I can't help but think that our little girl is sitting on her great-grandma's lap right now in heaven and grandma is telling her lots of stories about her family in preparation for her to meet them. I hope baby Brooklyn is learning from her and comes to us with a heart full of love and kindness just like her great-grandma Clement. My heart breaks for my Grandpa who was so kind and loving to my Grandma. A couple years ago I remember looking through a scrapbook my grandma was working on and finding a little sticky note that said "Damn she's pretty". My grandma laughed and said grandpa was always leaving notes like that for her. She said "he doesn't look at me and see me all old like I am, he sees me like I used to be" (and she pointed to an old picture of herself).

Even not seeing her as much it has been hard hearing about and seeing Grandma as she struggled and aged but I will think of her as she was and as she now is in heaven, happy and vibrant. My hope is to carry on the legacy of my grandma who was one of those people who thought so much of you that it inspired you to be the kind of person that in her mind you were. There is no doubt in my mind how much my grandma loved me and all of her 4 granddaughters. May I be as gracious, loving, and beautiful inside and out as my Grandma Clement. Some random memories of my grandma that I want to keep remembering: Indian jewerly, lemon drops, vienna sausages, bag of movies she brought with her when she came and visited us in Idaho, boxes in the mail with decorations for different holidays, trip to the Grand Canyon, Zion's national park, and pipe springs